Most
of us are lost about how to react when someone loses a loved one. Do
you pick up the phone? Leave a message on a social networking site? Here
are some dos and don’ts...
Don't
you find it difficult to offer your sympathies to a close friend or
colleague who has lost a family member? Are you afraid you might end up
using the wrong words or intrude on your friend’s/colleague’s grief ?
Bereavement etiquette doesn’t come naturally to even the most courteous
amongst us. But it’s essential to learn the right way to talk to people,
without clamping up or thinking ‘what can we possibly say to make things better?’ Having lost her husband eight years ago, Lydia Ramsey, international business etiquette expert and author of Manners That Sell, has personally experienced how awkward people can become when they are confronted with friends who are mourning. “Most people are uncomfortable around the subject. But it
is important to acknowledge the death in some way, and to let the
family know you are thinking of them in their time of grief. Your
presence offers tremendous support. Doing nothing or pretending it did
not happen is the worst thing you could do. It amounts to bad
etiquette.”
So what is the appropriate etiquette? Here are a few basic things you should follow.
“If a friend has lost his father, the first, most courteous thing to say is: ‘I’m so sorry to hear about your father’. You can further follow it up with phrases like: ‘My family and I are thinking of you’,” says Diana Hayden, etiquette and grooming expert.
If it’s a colleague, an acquaintance or someone you aren’t very close to, you can begin with formal phrases like ‘I’m sorry for your loss. My sincere condolences to you and your family’. Rukshana Eisa, etiquette expert, suggests, “Don’t say silly things just to fill in the awkward silences. Keep your condolences brief but meaningful.”
If you are a close family friend, a visit is in order. Call ahead of time to be sure that the family is at home and is receiving friends. Also, attend the funeral to show your support for the family. If you are out of the country and cannot visit, make a phone call.
When you call, make sure to ask if the family needs anything. Offer to run an errand or carry food for the family. Food is usually welcome since the family members do not have the time or energy to prepare food for themselves, those who come to call or relatives who might be staying over. You can also help with funeral arrangements or stay at his or her home to take phone calls and receive guests.
Listen to your friend with compassion and be patient. Those who are mourning may need to tell a story again and again, which may be their way of accepting the death. If you’ve gone through a similar loss, share your own experience if you think it may help.
The process of grieving continues long after the death of a loved one. Certain days of the year (like holidays, birthdays, festivals etc) will be particularly hard for your friend, as these may revive grief. Be sensitive on such occasions and let the bereaved person know that you’re there for whatever he or she needs.
So what is the appropriate etiquette? Here are a few basic things you should follow.
“If a friend has lost his father, the first, most courteous thing to say is: ‘I’m so sorry to hear about your father’. You can further follow it up with phrases like: ‘My family and I are thinking of you’,” says Diana Hayden, etiquette and grooming expert.
If it’s a colleague, an acquaintance or someone you aren’t very close to, you can begin with formal phrases like ‘I’m sorry for your loss. My sincere condolences to you and your family’. Rukshana Eisa, etiquette expert, suggests, “Don’t say silly things just to fill in the awkward silences. Keep your condolences brief but meaningful.”
If you are a close family friend, a visit is in order. Call ahead of time to be sure that the family is at home and is receiving friends. Also, attend the funeral to show your support for the family. If you are out of the country and cannot visit, make a phone call.
When you call, make sure to ask if the family needs anything. Offer to run an errand or carry food for the family. Food is usually welcome since the family members do not have the time or energy to prepare food for themselves, those who come to call or relatives who might be staying over. You can also help with funeral arrangements or stay at his or her home to take phone calls and receive guests.
Listen to your friend with compassion and be patient. Those who are mourning may need to tell a story again and again, which may be their way of accepting the death. If you’ve gone through a similar loss, share your own experience if you think it may help.
The process of grieving continues long after the death of a loved one. Certain days of the year (like holidays, birthdays, festivals etc) will be particularly hard for your friend, as these may revive grief. Be sensitive on such occasions and let the bereaved person know that you’re there for whatever he or she needs.
WHAT NOT TO SAY OR DO Unless
you are a close friend, do not impose your presence at this time with a
phone call or visit. Send a sympathy note or a card. Also, do not send a
pre-printed card without adding a brief, hand-written personal message.
In this age of emails, texts and tweets, do not offer your condolences
via the internet. An electronic message is very impersonal. Death can be
an awkward subject for many and can lead to some toe-curling moments.
Avoid inappropriate phrases that imply death is for the best, such as:
‘He is in a better place’ or ‘It is God’s will’. Do not probe family
members into the circumstances of the death or the final moments of the
deceased. Funerals and prayer meetings aren’t the time to socialise. So
do not hang around the family’s house to catch up with other relatives.
Do not ask the grieving family about the Will, assets or life insurance
policies of the deceased. It is not only rude, but downright
disrespectful.
TIP:
Follow up after the funeral. Let your friend and his/her family know that you are still there for them
Follow up after the funeral. Let your friend and his/her family know that you are still there for them
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